Saturday, November 6, 2010

Wow!

Thank you Dennis Jernigan for reminding me that "This is My Destiny"!!!  It's funny how God works, and sometimes almost scary how He smacks us back into reality, LOL! 

So I was actually feeling quite well for a change today, and while I was washing up some dishes I decided to turn on my mp3 player.  Listening to some spiritual music is always a mood lifter and a great way to pass the time during mundane activities.  Anyway, the first song that came on was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me, and that really got me to thinking.  When I get to Heaven maybe I will dance, maybe I will take long walks with God, or even run to be by His side...all things I currently can not do; it will be fantastic!  This lead me to thinking about an amazing friend who passed away from breast cancer back in early 2005, which also lead me to think about Dennis Jernigan's song, since both were played at her celebration of life.
     It's not so much the lyrics of the Jernigan song that got to me, but the title itself.  The realization began to take shape in my mind (which I knew all along, but had gotten away from wanting to believe I think...) that no matter what happens in my life, this is MY destiny!  As long as I believe in God and follow His guidance then I am fulfilling the destiny He has in store for me.  Now, whether this feels like a great way to live or not, with all the pain and tragedy I've had to deal with and whatever more may lay in store, there is a reason for it all.  If that reason is simply to help someone else realize that they are not alone in their struggles, that someone out there knows how they feel, which is the purpose of this blog, then so be it!  If that reason is to remind others that we are never alone when we are on God's team, then YAY!  If that reason is to show others the love of Christ, the awesome power of His redeeming blood, the mercy and grace He bestows on us through salvation, and the unconditional love He has for us, then I say HALLELUJAH! 
Whatever the reason may be, I will give my worries, my fears, my anger, my frustration, my depression, my pain, and my life to God...they are no longer mine, but are in His hands...and I will remember through it all, that THIS IS MY DESTINY! :) 

Friday, November 5, 2010

Responsibility

Today stinks...in a whole lot of ways.  Hubby had a job he needed to do, out of town. It was going to be the first time he left me alone with Alex in several weeks, since my problem started getting really bad.  Sometime in the night I got worried, so I voiced my concerns to hubby this morning.  I am not sure that I should be left alone with a 2 year old who constantly gets into things, can't sit still for more than 5 minutes, is potty trained but sometimes needs help and has to get there in a hurry, and who is going through a growth spurt and wants something to eat/drink every 10 minutes.  The sad part of this is that means I am not fully capable of taking care of my own son :(  It's a horrible day when you come to this kind of conclusion.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Immobility, Realization, and Depression

     So it's been a while since my last post, and there's definitely a good explanation. This disease is kicking my butt!  Yes, you heard me right...no matter what I do it seems to be an epic fail. 
     The last time you heard from me I was waiting to get back on my Humira shots to hopefully get rid of some of this pain and slow down the progression of my arthritis.  Well, so far that's been a no go. While I did get in to see my doctor, and I did get my part of the paperwork sent in to Abbot for their patient assistance program, my doctor did NOT complete his part.  See, when they send you the paperwork they send both your part and the part the doctor has to fill out; they also send the same pages to your doctor.  I don't even know how to say what I think about my doctor, because he got it in his head (he did this the first time around, too even though I fully explained it to him!) that since he had both parts of the paperwork he had to wait until I came in for my next appointment so he could fill my part out with me.  It never crossed his mind that I am an intelligent woman capable of handing MY end of things on my own...so my part has been sitting with the company now for over a month, just waiting on a doctor's prescription and signature so that I can get my shots.   Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

     In the meantime you may be wondering what has happened to me health wise... Around the time of my last post I broke down and bought myself a cane from Wal-Mart.  Some days it is great and other days it doesn't help because it's my right side that needs help, which means putting the cane on the left and that is where I have the problems with my finger, so that makes it difficult to grasp the cane.  Anyway, the pain in my right knee has increased dramatically; I can not even bend my knee when I walk most of the time, it's like trying to walk with a cast and no crutches.  Getting in and out of the shower is quite difficult, and so is actually taking a shower.  When you can barely move without pain and can't stand up for long it's rather difficult to accomplish certain tasks.  We are now looking at getting a shower chair.  :(  I have also made it to the point that I now have to use a wheelchair when we go shopping because if I don't, I have to rush us through the store so I can get off of my feet, and when I do get off of them they are swollen, turning blue/purple and hurt immensely.  On top of all of this, the severity of my psoriasis itself has increased.  I am now 85% covered in red/scaly patches.
     All of this has put me in a rather bad mood.  Lately I spend most of my days sitting around feeling miserable and crying.  I cry when I hurt and I can't get out of bed, or the chair, or off the couch.  I cry when I can't stand in my kitchen for 10 mins to cook dinner or wash dishes; when I don't have the energy to take a shower, when I can't pick up my son or hold a book up long enough to read.  I cry when I can't bend over to get laundry out of the dryer, or summon up the energy to fold it if someone else takes it out.  I cry because I don't understand, I don't think it's fair and I often wonder if it will ever get better. 
   So the realization part of today's post comes from this last statement.  I have now realized that I've been hoping for a miracle when I finally get back on my shots, and I have also realized that I may very well be setting myself up for a letdown.  While the Humira may offer some relief, this time around due to the amazingly fast progression of my disease, it may not work as well as it did in the past.  This afternoon when I woke up from a nap, I began to wonder what is going to happen if things don't get better.  What if this is the best I will be from now on?  What will I do, how will I manage, what effect will this have on my marriage, and on my son, how will he be taken care of should this somehow turn out to be a fatal issue?  That, I think, is my biggest fear.  I've never heard of arthritis being fatal, but with all of this pain it leads to concerns about hip or knee replacements, hand surgery, etc...  and it just seems like there is no end in sight for the pain.  How does one go on like this for years? 
     Well, even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and hope for the best.  Please keep me in your prayers, and my family who has to deal with me dealing with this..they need it! 


P.S. I want to say a great big THANK YOU to my husband who continues to support me throughout all of this; who constantly takes my place making dinner, doing laundry, taking care of the baby, helping me get around and bringing me things when I can't get them myself; and who consistently holds me, caresses me, shows me affection, and tells me how much he loves me.  I LOVE YOU, Sweetheart!