Sunday, May 1, 2011

Fear

     I just read a blog post by a friend from my writers group, and she was talking about facing our fears.  I think it was a pretty great post and very timely for me.  Having dealt with such a bad health episode over the winter, it really put a few things in perspective.  In my previous posts you have read how upset and depressed I was at times.  There were days when I felt completely hopeless and like my life would never mean anything because I would never feel like doing anything, therefore nothing was ever going to be accomplished.  This is one of the biggest fears I have.
     Now that I am feeling better, things don't seem quite so bleak.  I am getting more active in things I enjoy doing such as my writing, and am even able to crochet little bits at a time again.  I have also started working on improving my artistic skills in the area of drawing.  I have always loved to draw but never felt I was any good at it.  I am teaching myself now through a variety of book and online tutorials; if you've been to my Facebook page you have probably already seen some of my work.  It is a great feeling to be able to do things without paying for every move by being in pain for three or four days afterward.
      So, in regards to psoriatic arthritis/psoriasis and fear, you might be asking yourself how the two relate.  Many people with this disease have very valid fears.  For instance, during rough times I fear that I will never get better.  Others fear how people will react to them if they are covered in "unsightly" patches of red or dry skin, especially if it is scaly.  While these fears are common, we should not let them rule our lives.  With medication and time, I find that I always manage to get through the rough arthritis patches, so when it feels like there is no hope, I try to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  When I start breaking out in spots and want to run away to join a family of leopards (because that's the only place I think I'll fit in), I try to find ways to be comfortable being me.  This means that if I am hot and want to wear shorts even though my legs are covered, so what? Think positive.  It is sunny weather now, and sunlight really helps clear the psoriasis. Plus, why should I suffer by wearing my blue jeans in 90 degree, blistering heat while others are wearing whatever they please?  I have a RIGHT TO BE COMFORTABLE,TOO!  It's taken many years and a huge amount of support for me to be able to believe in this, but I am thankful that I finally woke up and stopped being afraid of what everyone else just doesn't understand. (There are more of my thoughts on this in last week's posts.)

I would like to hear from you about your fears and how you deal with them! Leave a comment or feel free to drop me an e-mail :)

4 comments:

  1. Although I hate to admit that fear plays a role in my ability to perform a task in public, it is very much a factor. Psoriasis can curtail daily activities base on its appearance. Most of us know to well the feeling when your time in public is shared with unsightly blotches and the snow fall of flakes. Although left unsaid you can read from facial expressions the disgust and horror that people perceive. Many can't relate or are honestly to busy in their own lives to care. Many times feeling like a second class citizen. At times feeling like damaged goods. It doesn't add up, why me? I find myself looking at others going about their lives. Looking at there skin with jealousy. They have not a clue. Add to that joint pain and a family to feed and we are talking a Happy Meal. Be strong and go on, what choice do we have? Suffering is a blessing, I never questioned my faith.
    Todd Bello
    tvsoccerdad@yahoo.com

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  2. I fear being left alone. Thank God I have a wonderful husband and 3 sons but it get to be too much for them.I know they try but I hate to say it out loud, they don't believe me sometimes. They look at me as lazy when I'm having a bad day because yesterday you did this or that. They don't understand that when I did that yesterday it will cause me to be in pain and stiff and on pain meds. Someday they will have had enough and I will be alone.

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  3. Todd,
    You are so right! Fear plays a role, whether consciously or subconsciously, in a lot of the things we do. For instance, I am currently 85% covered in plaques and I have been dying to take my son swimming. We have an indoor pool at our gym, so we could easily go during any outside weather...however, every time I think I can do it, I start to wonder what people will think when they see me in my swimsuit. In then end I have chickened out because I do not want to be embarrassed by people thinking (and/or making rude comments) that I should not be in the pool "infecting" others with whatever it is that I have. So my son suffers as well because his Mommy can not enjoy what should be a fun playtime with him.

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  4. Dawn,

    I know exactly how you feel! We have good days and bad ones. Sometimes people do not understand why we can't do the same things today that we did yesterday or the day before, and that is hard. Be thankful for your husband and children, and help educate them on your disease so that they can better understand what you are going through. :)

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